Movie Review: Zeher

Apalling, appalling movie. Ugh.

Apparently it's (euphemistically) a "remake" (i.e. scene-by-scene copy) of Out of Time starring Denzel Washington, itself a modestly entertaining almost-B flick. So the main plotline is quite a lot better than most Bollywood naach-gaana dozers. But of course, not content with wholesale plagiarism, the screenwriters of Zeher had to add their own culturally-correct subplot to "Indianise" the movie, and that my friends is the root of all evil.

(Warning: SPOILERS AHEAD)
Nauseating is the only word for it.

Emraan "I'm too speshul to spell my name right" Hashimi plays an effeminate, sulky, adulterous, abusive, MCP of a copper who begins a steamy affair with a random, not-very-beautiful woman about ten minutes after his wife walks out on him (unsatisfied with just keeping house, Shamita Shetty wants a career - whatta bitch!).

The not-very-beautiful woman soon tells him she has cancer and will die in three months if she doesn't undergo very expensive surgery. Poor widdle baby Hashimi is temporarily unbalanced (because he's just seen his ex-wife having dinner with another man - bigger bitch!), so he steals some cash he has lying around in the police station, even though this is money confiscated during a drug raid, money he will be required to produce in court. And he simply hands over all this cash to his lover.

Are y'all enjoying this yet?

That night, the lover and her husband (oh, did I not mention that she's married too, and Our Shining Hero knows this?) perish in a fire that burns their mansion down. Now is not the time to ask why people who can afford this veritable palace cannot pay their own medical bills.

Since the cuckolded husband who died in the fire was somewhat "known" (not in a good way) to the local law enforcement, special forces are called in to investigate the fire. The officer in charge of this investigation is... drum rolls, please... Shamita Shetty, the bitchy ex-wife of Pujya Emraan. DUN DUN DUN DAAAAAAAAN!

Interval.

The investigation has begun. Explosive wires are discovered quickly at the scene of the fire! Forensic labs examine the bodies of the couple, and find no smoke in their lungs - they died before the fire! Murder! DUN DUN DUN DAAAAAN!


Shamita Shetty walks pointlessly down a corridor to nowhere, giving instructions to underlings in an "I'm such a bitchy bitch" voice. And she's delegating all the research and sleuthing. WTF is she getting paid to do?

Our Peerless Hero yells abusively at his underlings because the poor guy is so tense now that it looks like he fell for an evil woman who took all his money and then was indecent enough to die anyway, depriving him of fulfillment to his manly needs. Also, it seems he could be fingered as the murderer, because he had a secret affair with the dead woman and she's named him the beneficiary of her life insurance policy. He frantically alters her phone records that show multiple calls to his cell-phone, and tries to cover his tracks in several other ways - generally acting such that his behaviour could be held up in court as evidence of guilt. A brilliant policeman indeed.

Things happen. Hero gets deeper in trouble, bitchy ex-wife gets closer and closer to finding out the truth. In an insanely stupid sequence Emraan Hashimi recovers the lost money from some random guy who has no reason to be in possession of it. Oh, and he kills this random guy while recovering the money.

Then Our Glorious, Swashbuckling Hero finds the dead lover. DUN DUN DUN DAAAN! She's not dead, and neither is her husband! Never mind that forensic experts identified and autopsied their bodies earlier! She's alive, and she's eeeeeevil, and she wants the money, and she's about to kill Darling Emraan, but bitchy old Shamita Shetty shows up and shoots villain instead. What a party pooper!

Epilogue: Shamita Shetty is packing her clothes up, getting ready to leave. Now is not the time to ask why she's doing that if she already moved out weeks ago, because baby Hashimi is about to make a speech.

"I won't let you leave," he tells his ex-wife creepily, but he has tears in his eyes so that makes it OK. Then he says, "I'm sorry I didn't let you work. If you hadn't been in the police force, then you couldn't have covered my ass. Please forgive me."

And so the bitch's cold heart finally melts and they hug and kiss and whatnot. Happily ever after, the end.

Oh wait, there's a reepilogue with a song playing in the background. What's that? The moon! And hey, look, now there's a sieve covering the moon. The camera pans to show... the smiling, effeminately baby-faced Emraan Hashimi. And there's Shamita Shetty in a proper wifely saree at last and sindoor as long as my grandmother's hair, reaching down to touch Pujya Emraan's lotus feet... and he rouguishly sweeps her into his arms and carries her off to bed. We hope he's changed the sheets since he and his dead lover slept in it.

Le sigh. How romaaaantic!