Damn Columnists

The Ebert & Roeper show comes on at 12:30 am Mondays, and Saurabh and I go to the trouble of recording it and watching it later every week - and if you think that's something we'd do for any show, you obviously have no clue how lazy we are. Roger Ebert and Richard Roeper are excellent as movie reviewers: their opinions happen to largely coincide with mine, they bicker in a very entertaining fashion, and they're colourful in their insults when they bash movies. So far, so good. But then I head over to Richard Roeper's column at the Chicago Sun Times... that's when it starts to get hairy.

You can smell something fishy from a mile off when Wikipedia warns:

The topics of his columns range from politics to media to entertainment, and he has written several books on film criticism and urban myths.

Film criticism and urban myths? Not only is that almost as weird a combination as skiing and shooting, it also reeks of desperation. It's the sort of thing already-kinda-famous people write in order to say that they, too, have Written A Book. (See Madonna writing five [why exactly five??] children's books, etc.) It'll sell, of course, because publicity will sell anything, but you just know everybody who's buying it is getting it for that friend who watches Ebert & Roeper diligently. It's the kind of book that has "generic Christmas present" stamped all over it.

But whatever. You stick a perfumed hanky under your nose and click on the hyperlink that leads to the page of the man himself. Headlines such as "Age Old Issue: Leading Men Get Hot Young Girls" and "Would You Take A Gamble On A Woman Who Bets?" stare up at you. The stench is beginning to overpower the lavender perfume. Inhale deeply while you still can, and sample the wares.

Hot or not? Does it make a woman more attractive if she's got a thing for betting on sports events, or is it a major turnoff?

What the... ??

And you come to a sub-heading: "She's even 'bettor' looking"

Gag. Move on. The column rambles and grunts and emits odours periodically, then finally puffs into its conclusion:

A woman who gambles is like a woman who smokes cigars. It might be sexy at first, but after a while it loses the novelty value.

Well. That sure is mightly enlightening, Mr. Roeper. You'll forgive me if I don't do the Eureka! Eureka! dance - I might puke if I let go of my hanky.

I've always had strong internal cribbage going on about how easy columnists have it, but this takes the cake: it is the height of overrating to publish and celebrate this crap in such a prestigious newspaper. It is as if the New York Times Book Review started focusing exclusively on Mills & Boon romances.

You know what? Balls to Roeper. I bet I can do better, and this time I'm not just saying it. Beginning today, I'm going to be doing a column on this blog every weekday, and let's see if I can make it funnier than Roeper's oh-am-I-supposed-to-laugh-here-ok-ha-ha style.

Consider this my first. Welcome to Wendelin's Columns.

PS: Want to read other, actually funny/insightful regular columns? Head over to Juice and Waiter Rant.

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• misc
• columns

Excerpts From the Bible and the Koran: Tolerance

We live in culturally, racially and ethnically mixed societies, where diversity of faith is a fact of life. In this situation, what different religions preach about tolerance is of supreme importance. Is your religion telling you to kill everybody who denies your God? Is your religion completely silent about other religions and peoples? These are radically different positions, and the issue is bound to have major repercussions on the followers of the religions. If your religion is urging you to kill unbelievers, then it's only to the extent that you are irreligious, only to the extent that you reject your religion, that you will be tolerant of others in your society, and whatever peace exists will exist in spite of the religion rather than because of it. A volatile way to live among people who call themselves religious.

In the past two weeks I've been reading the Koran and the Bible online, keeping a lookout for passages that preach intolerance and trying to see how they measure up against the passages that preach peace and acceptance (religion is but a bunch of jumbled contradictions). I'll let the texts speak for themselves.

Note: I haven't read Jewish or Hindu scriptures, and I doubt I have the patience to. I've had it up to here with it all... what utter drivel it is!

Anyway.

The Bible

Exodus 23:24
"Do not bow down before their gods or worship them or follow their practices. You must demolish them and break their sacred stones to pieces."

Deuteronomy 8:19
"If you ever forget the LORD your God and follow other gods and worship and bow down to them, I [Moses] testify against you today that you will surely be destroyed."

Deuteronomy 13:12-15
"If you hear it said about one of the towns the LORD your God is giving you to live in that wicked men have arisen among you and have led the people of their town astray, saying, "Let us go and worship other gods" (gods you have not known), then you must inquire, probe and investigate it thoroughly. And if it is true and it has been proved that this detestable thing has been done among you, you must certainly put to the sword all who live in that town. Destroy it completely, both its people and its livestock."

Exodus 22:20
"Whoever sacrifices to any god other than the LORD must be destroyed."

Deuteronomy 14:6-10
"If thy brother, the son of thy mother, or thy son, or thy daughter, or the wife of thy bosom, or thy friend, which is of thine own soul, entice thee secretly, saying, Let us go and serve other gods, which thou hast not known, thou, nor thy fathers; Thou shalt not consent unto him, nor hearken unto him; neither shall thine eye pity him, neither shalt thou spare, neither shalt thou conceal him: But thou shalt surely kill him; thine hand shall be first upon him to put him to death, and afterwards the hand of all the people. Thou shalt stone him with stones, that he die; because he hath sought to thrust thee away from the Lord thy God."

Deuteronomy 17:2-5 (NIV)
"If a man or woman living among you in one of the towns the LORD gives you is found doing evil in the eyes of the LORD your God in violation of his covenant, and contrary to my command has worshiped other gods, bowing down to them or to the sun or the moon or the stars of the sky, and this has been brought to your attention, then you must investigate it thoroughly. If it is true and it has been proved that this detestable thing has been done in Israel, take the man or woman who has done this evil deed to your city gate and stone that person to death."

Leviticus 24:16
"Anyone who blasphemes the name of the LORD must be put to death. The entire assembly must stone him. Whether an alien or native-born, when he blasphemes the Name, he must be put to death."

Acts 3:23
"And it shall come to pass, that every soul, which will not hear the prophet, shall be destroyed."

2 John 1 10-11
"If there come any unto you, and bring not this doctrine, receive him not into your house, neither bid him God speed: For he that biddeth him God speed is partaker of his evil deeds."

2 Corinthians 6:14-15
"Believers must not commune with unbelievers. What fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness, light with darkness, believers with infidels?"

And the Bible speaks on tolerance:

Matthew 5:43-44
"You have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love they neighbour, and hate thine enemies. But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you."

Luke 6:35
"But love your enemies, and do them good, and lend never despairing; and your reward shall be great, and ye shall be Sons of the Most High: for he is kind toward the unthankful and evil."

... and many, many passages urging the path of peace on people. Overall, the Bible carries far more messages of peace, charity and goodwill regardless of faith ("love thine enemies") than urgings of war on unbelievers. A Bible-literalist would be hard pressed to justify violence based on the Bible - though, of course, this has been done before. (What do you expect from a jealous-God religion that exhorts one to trust in the "true God and no other" over and over again?)

The Koran
From MH Shakir's translation, available online as the first result when you Google "Koran"

(Nearly every single page talks about the duty of every Muslim to engage in jihad; not the nice, whitewashed struggle-of-life "major" jihad - instances when the major jihad is being referred to are made very clear - it's all about real WAR: chopping off heads and Allah smiting down unbelievers on the battlefield through believers' hands and minute instructions on how the spoils of war are to be distributed. Jihad is violent, and don't believe anyone who tells you otherwise when you can see it for yourself in the text, plain as day.)

Excerpt K 2:191
[2.191] And kill them wherever you find them..... such is the recompense of the unbelievers.

Excerpt K 5:033
[5.33] The punishment of those who wage war against Allah and His apostle and strive to make mischief in the land is only this, that they should be murdered or crucified or their hands and their feet should be cut off on opposite sides or they should be imprisoned.

Excerpt K 5:082
[5.82] ...you will find the most violent hatred in the Jews and those who are polytheists ...

Excerpt K 8:012
[8.12]... make firm those who believe. I will cast terror into the hearts of those who disbelieve. Therefore strike off their heads and strike off every fingertip of them.

Excerpt K 8:015-017
[8.15] ...when you meet those who disbelieve marching for war, then turn not your backs to them. [8.16] ...for the sake of fighting... [8.17] So you did not slay them, but it was Allah Who slew them, and you did not smite when you smote the unbelievers, but it was Allah Who smote (them)...

Excerpt K 8:055
[8.55]Surely the vilest of animals in Allah's sight are those who disbelieve;

Excerpt K 8:065-075
[8.65] O Prophet! urge the believers to war; ... [8.69] Eat then of the lawful and good (things) which you have acquired in war ... He [Allah] given (thee) power over them [the unbelievers]... [8.74] ...fight for the Faith...[8.75] ...fight for the Faith...

Excerpt K 9:005
[9.5]...slay the idolaters wherever you find them...take them captives and besiege them and lie in wait for them in every ambush...

Excerpt K 9:012-014
[9.12] ...fight the leaders of unbelief...[9.13] What! will you not fight a people...[9.14] Fight them, Allah will punish them by your hands and bring them to disgrace, and assist you against them and heal the hearts of a believing people.

Excerpt K 9:029
[9.29]Fight those who do not believe in Allah...nor follow the religion of truth, out of those who have been given the Book, until they pay the tax in acknowledgment of superiority and they are in a state of subjection.

Excerpt K 9:038-039
[9.38] ...Go forth in Allah's way [to Jihad]... [9.39] If you do not go forth [to go on Jihad], He will chastise you with a painful chastisement and bring in your place a people other than you [to go on Jihad]...

Excerpt K 9:073
[9.73]...strive hard [Jihad] against the unbelievers and the hypocrites and be unyielding to them...

Excerpt K 9:122-123
[9.123] ...fight those of the unbelievers who are near to you and let them find in you hardness...

Excerpt K 47:004
[47.4]...when you meet in battle those who disbelieve, then smite the necks until when you have overcome them, then make (them) prisoners, and afterwards either set them free as a favor or let them ransom (themselves) until the war terminates...

Excerpt K 47:035
[47.35] Be not fainthearted then; and invite not the infidels to peace when ye have the upper hand: for God is with you, and will not defraud you of the recompense of your works...

And as for passages preaching tolerance, I found these two:

Excerpt K 2:257
[2.257]: Let there be no compulsion in Religion.

Excerpt K 3:018-019
[3.18]If they shall dispute with thee, then say: I have surrendered myself to God, as have they who follow me. Say to those who have received the Book, and to the common folk, [3.19]Do ye surrender yourselves unto God? If they become Muslims, then are they guided aright: but if they turn away -- thy duty is only preaching; and God's eye is on His servants.

[It is worth noting that the Koran gets more and more virulent against non-believers as it progresses. The mild passages like the ones listed above all occur in the first 3-4 chapters, after which Mohammad starts urging bloodbaths all over the place. Something certainly pissed him off right after he started writing this book!]

-------------

So there you have it. For the record, now that I can speak with some authority on Christianity and Islam, I think they're complete morons.

Yep.

No, seriously. How dense do you have to be to believe in this drivel?

Tags:

• atheism

All of the Prophet Mohammad cartoons!

With acknowledgements to Null Bit for the link and Conservative Force Blog for the digital copies of the pictures -


























With acknowledgements to Artanis for the link and to this site for the content, here's the "I must not draw Mohammad" cartoon I was looking for:

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• atheism
• misc

Meh

Does anybody know where I can find an actual picture of that cartoon published in retaliation to the protests in a French newspaper - the head of prophet Mohammad made up of lines that say, "I must not draw Mohammad"? What a hoot, and nobody seems to be publishing it. Bloody cowards.

As for all this hue and cry, I have only this to say: dudes, if you'd been one tenth as outraged every time one of your kids blows himself up (killing a bunch of infidels with him, of course), the world would be oh so very different.

I mean in a good way, dumass. :P

There's people setting off bombs because they feel insulted, you know, that's what gets me. Insult = mandate for killing. Talk about screwed up priorities, eh?

I just don't get it... why is everyone so willing to make excuses for religion when anything like this happens? If Palestinians send a suicide bomber to martyr herself, it's not because of religion, it's because of human weaknesses, corruption at the top and general misguidedness. If Israelis retaliate by blowing up 100 muslims across their borders, it's the 'vicious cycle of violence' that is to blame, never religion.

Look, there are people explicitly stating that they're dying to die (and kill) for Allah. Why don't we take them at their word? Islam is a militant religion. Any obscure passage in the Koran you can point me to that says, "don't kill" and "don't harm yourself" is less than BULL in the face of all the hundreds of passages that suggest otherwise in no uncertain terms. There's 72 dark-eyed virgins waiting in paradise for any martyr, you know. (Damned if you're a lesbian, right? The minute you start taking advantage of all the victory spoils in paradise, you're struck down to hell.)

Lest y'all think I'm singling out Islam for my barrage of (ooooh) insults, I hasten to include in this rant Christiany, Judaism and any other religion whose texts can possibly be interpreted in violent ways (if it can be interpreted, it will). Dudes, the only reason you're not getting specifically lambasted right now is that for the moment, it's someone else that's mucking up the world. Wait your turn. I will gladly dish it out to you, too. In the meantime, you might take a look at your religious texts, and see if they are in fact all that different from the Koran.

That's all.

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• rants
• atheism

The Cartoon of Prophet Mohammad

Nyah nyah nyah.

PS: Spread the holy picture.

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• politics
• rants