"Acting Kerry" Challenges Vote

PART I

11/03/2004 1:12pm Eastern Hemispheric Galactic Porn Time, In the Year of Our Phglark

Lawyers representing Lawyers for the Betterment of Lawyers in America filed suit in every single courtroom in the United States against John Kerry at 12:21 Central Pacific Daylight Aluminum Clamidia Time.

The suit claims, in part, that Kerry's failure to dispute the election in Ohio, and 143 other states to be announced at a later date, irreperably and irritably harms their inalienable right to another really fancy tail chasing sports car.

The Class Action requests that the court issue an immediate injunction, preferably with prejudicial gassy discharge, preventing Kerry from making any speeches of concession, or even ordering take-out, for that matter. It asks that Mr. Lucifer Mephistopheles be appointed "Acting Kerry" until such time as Kerry assumes a willingness to dispute this election, which everyone knows is the absolute most important election in the history of carbon based life. It further requests that Mr. Kerry apologize for this childish joke, and give every lawyer in America a persimmon.

Francois Buttsniff, spokesperson for the fun-loving giant fungus that secretly controls the governments of the world and has sponsored the Cher Farewell Tour since 1982, filed an amicus brief as a friend of the court which stated, simply, "booger".

Dave Barry could not be reached for comment. He is not involved in this dispute, but he would have had comments to make about it.

PART II

"Acting Kerry" Lucifer Mephistopheles announced his plans for his first 100 days as Damn Near President at a Denny's near Cleveland, Ohio.

"After we clear up this little misunderstanding concerning that vote thingy yesterday, I plan to provide healthcare for whichever poor, underprivileged babies escape abortion by selling the souls of whichever Republicans whose souls I did not already sell to fund my private joys which are very expensive and none of your business. Then I'm gonna take Canada's drugs and give them to America's geezers, because, let's face it, what the hell is Canada fixin' to do about it?

"Finally, I will cook and eat every sum'bich who can not prove he voted for me, or the me I'm acting for, or, well you know. I'll also eat his dog, and the friends of his dog, and pretty much I'm going to be one fat mofo by June, you dig? After that, I'll take the afternoon off, then kill some terrorists and whoop up a batch of peace in the middle east, probably stop off to work out those Africa problems on the way."

When asked what he would do if the "vote thingy" could not be worked out, Acting Kerry indicated that in that case America could go hump its goat and that his back up plan would be to form a band with Al Gore and hook up with Cher's Farewell Tour.

While this reporter did not actually witness or hear any of this first hand, as he was still attempting to reach Dave Barry for comment on whatever Dave wanted to comment about, really, I did overhear another reporter talking about it in the bathroom.

Some guy called Christobol posted this comment on Dave Barry's blog.